there was a trapeze. enough said
"Party in the USA" was played at church youth group last night. It was like everything I enjoy hating was aligning against me.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Randomize
