Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
That does it. We're drinking til we're pirates.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Randomize
