We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?
Places.
Plural? Please tell.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I fucked in the bathroom while everyone listened and banged my dick against a table shouting "order in the court"
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
