i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
i think i just put your shirt on , but i don't remember . my body can't decide if it wants to move in slow motion or fast forward
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
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