then for some reason i googled "how much to buy a cannon"
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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