I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Holy shit, add "successfully got stoned secretly at a party where a cop was" to my list of accomplishments.
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
Randomize
