New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
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