so are u like ashamed lol?
not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
