do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
You know its going to be a good homecoming when you beer bong a mimosa at 6am.
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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