So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
If court goes my way we are flying to Vegas.
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Randomize
