I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Randomize
