while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
