Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
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