just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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