The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
ok watching intervention on tv. when i hit rock bottom - i wanna be THIS chick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
you know you’re single when you try to cook yourself a nice pasta dinner but you’re too weak to open the container of sauce and theres no one around to help you
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