I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
