Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
My cat gives me a boner
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
My hanfda are one with the u niverse and I am cirretnly inhaling a couch
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Dude, I brought the fucking tequila to that party and they cheered for the chick that seriously only brought limes.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
Emergency thong? Check! Suspension bondage is a go!
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Randomize