you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
Pretty sure I just has te same conversation as you. He suggested I get, sell, and fuck the hoes, and once all was said and done, that I should refer afforementioned hoes to him, to perform felatio.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
You know how I know it's Spring Break? I just passed a car with "South Padre bound" shoe polished on the back. The driver was blatantly drinking a roadie and getting road head.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
