Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
I'll call it a tollerance break and either will be celebrating my new job with a bowl or will be smoking my sadness away from not getting the job. Either way.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
