I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
My penis needs a shock collar
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
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