I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i realized that the internet ruins the joy of a father passing down playboys to his son
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
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