I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
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