Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
