the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
Randomize
