I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He pulled the washer 5 feet out from the wall screaming about quarters
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
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