you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
I had never watched a guy jack off to me before, but let me tell you, it was a very uncomfortable experience.
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
Randomize
