Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Randomize