I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Randomize
