this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
she peed. on the sidewalk. it is 2 pm. Help.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Just sucked some sandy dick on a boardwalk & now I'm at a family reunion hbu
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
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