Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I think I was using my hair to catch my vomit last night.
You were.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Powdered alcohol is a real thing now. Move over crystal light... Water bottles rejoice!!
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
Randomize
