Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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