Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
