Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
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