Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
