We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have a new reason to go to work: I can tell which 3 of my coworkers are sisters just by looking at their butts.
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
