wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
Between fucking and sleeping I woke up missing four out of five of the earrings I was wearing. It's like a star rating system. I had to give him props.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
