Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
Spencer Pratt, I WILL beat the shit out of you someday, I Promise
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
