I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
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