Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
she's 6'2. you bet your ass i slept with her.
Randomize
