New thing to add to the list of never wanted to talk about with my grandma: sweating in ur crouch and vag area
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
Randomize
