he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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