Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
My ass is underappreciated
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Randomize
