Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
we are driving next to a guy driving and masturbating while looking at a naked magazine. I love LA
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
