omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
Randomize
