I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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