Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
her fupa was seducing me. this is the last time i'm doing shrooms.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
He just got really stoned and kept complementing my ponytail
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
