How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
Randomize
