bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
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