Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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