Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
We had sex on a dog bed..
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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