My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Hahaha more like walk of pride. You entered the lions den last night.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
is that a dick in a sweater?
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
