The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
