Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
You wanted to speak to the manager of mcdonalds as to why a "bag of cheeseburgers" isn't a menu option.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I should just black out in my front yard again- that was a great nights sleep.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
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