I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I have already put on my inside pants.
I need water and some morals
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
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