I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
wat bout pragnant strippers??
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
