yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
He did a backflip because drugs
Randomize
