Fair warning.. porn on your laptop when you turn it on.. seemed like a wonderful idea last night.. until it died
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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